How to write a eulogy

Being asked to deliver a eulogy is one of the greatest honours — and one of the hardest tasks — anyone is given. This guide walks you through the whole process: how to gather your thoughts, how to structure what you want to say, what to include and what to leave out, and how to deliver it on the day. You don't need to be a writer. You just need to tell the truth about someone you loved.

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a speech given at a funeral or memorial service that pays tribute to the person who has died. It is usually delivered by a close family member or friend — sometimes one person, sometimes several speaking in turn. It typically lasts between five and ten minutes, though shorter and longer eulogies are both common.

A eulogy is not an obituary. An obituary lists facts. A eulogy brings a person to life — their character, their humour, the specific things that made them them. The best eulogies leave mourners feeling they have been in the presence of the person one more time.

Before you start writing: gather your material

Don't sit down with a blank page and try to write from scratch. Instead, spend an hour collecting:

Three or four specific stories — moments, incidents, things they said or did
The qualities or values that defined them (patient, generous, funny, stubborn in the right way)
What they meant to the people in the room — not just to you
Something they cared deeply about — a passion, a cause, a lifelong habit
A line, phrase or saying of theirs that people will recognise

If you're struggling, call someone who knew them well. Other people's memories often unlock your own. Ask: "What's the thing you'll miss most?" or "What story do you always tell about them?"

A simple structure that works

You don't need anything complicated. This structure works for almost every eulogy:

Opening (1 minute) — Who you are, how you knew them, and one sentence that captures who they were
Early life or background (1–2 minutes) — Where they came from, family, what shaped them
Who they were (2–3 minutes) — Their character, told through specific stories, not generalities
What they meant to others (1 minute) — The impact on family, friends, community
Closing (1 minute) — A goodbye, a line of comfort, or something they would have said

Example opening lines

For a parent: "Mum used to say that the best thing about a long life was the number of people you got to love. By that measure, she lived a very good life indeed."

Example opening lines

For a friend: "I've been trying for a week to write an opening line worthy of Tony. He would have had six of them by now, and at least two of them would have made you laugh."

Use stories, not summaries

The most common mistake in eulogies is describing a person rather than showing them. "She was so kind" tells us nothing. A story about the time she drove four hours in the rain to sit with a friend who had bad news — that shows us who she was.

For each quality you want to convey, ask yourself: what is the moment that proves it? A single specific story is worth a page of adjectives.

Instead of this

"Dad was incredibly hardworking and always put his family first."

Try this

"Dad got up at 5am every morning for thirty-seven years. We used to joke that he'd been born tired of lying in. What we understood later — what I understood only after I had children of my own — was that every one of those mornings was for us."

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What to leave out

A eulogy is not the moment for complex family history, unresolved tension, or uncomfortable truths. It is also not the moment for a list of achievements that sounds like a CV. Leave out:

Anything that would upset the person being remembered if they could hear it
Long lists of names (mentioning everyone who knew them leads to accidentally leaving someone out)
Inside jokes that only two people will understand
Anything that puts other people present in an awkward position

Humour is absolutely fine — and often very welcome. But keep it warm rather than sharp, and make sure it honours the person rather than exposing them.

How long should a eulogy be?

Five to eight minutes is the most common length. At a comfortable speaking pace (roughly 130 words per minute), that means 650–1,000 words on the page. A single sheet of A4, double-spaced, is about right.

If multiple people are speaking, co-ordinate beforehand. Three five-minute tributes feels appropriate; three ten-minute ones is a long service.

Delivering the eulogy on the day

It is completely acceptable — expected, even — to show emotion while speaking. If you need to pause, pause. Take a breath. The room will wait for you. No one will think less of you for crying.

A few practical tips:

Print your eulogy in a large, double-spaced font so it's easy to read through tears
Rehearse it aloud at least twice — it reads very differently when spoken
Make eye contact at the opening and closing, but don't feel you have to hold people's gaze throughout
If you feel you cannot get through it on the day, ask someone to stand beside you, ready to take over — or arrange for it to be read on your behalf. There is no shame in either.

A closing thought

There is no such thing as a perfect eulogy. There is only an honest one — something that tells the truth about a person and gives the people in that room a few minutes to remember them together. That is enough. That is everything.

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